Dec 8: 6:00pm. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
Dec 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway;, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
Dec 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry. We'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of the winter that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor.
Dec 14: Snow lovely snow! 8"" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly getback in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
Dec 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Boughtsnow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
Dec 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very rude.
Dec 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are to icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God, I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room
Dec 20: Electricity's back on, but another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddam snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
Dec 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
Dec 23: Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to 0 degrees. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What? Is she nuts?? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
Dec 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by the snowplow, I broke the shovel. I thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him though the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was to busy watching for the goddam snowplow..
Dec 25: Merry F.##^& Christmas. 20 more inches of the $&&*@@## slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
Dec 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
Dec 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze. The plumber came after 14 hours of waiting and he only charged me $1400 to replace all my pipes.
Dec 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!
Dec 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
Dec 30: Roof caved in. I beat up the snowplow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars for not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
Dec 31: I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
Jan 8: Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed??